Paper Money - Paper Tales

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

I See Dead Buyers!

Here’s a funny request for advice from a home builder to from BusinessWeek’s “Lonely at the Top” editor.

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Dear Lonely at the Top,

I'm a homebuilder, and I think I'm going insane. I walk past my unsold houses at night and I swear there are ghosts. I hear voices, babies crying, couples arguing. And even though it's almost Halloween, I know they aren't the Undead. They're the Undecided. The people who make my life miserable day after day by not making up their minds. Their ghosts are living in my latest subdivision, Les Banlieues. How can I get some peace?

Cracking Up

Dear Cracking,

You seriously need to take a break. Have you considered a less stressful line of work, such as catching rabid dogs?

Escaping your living nightmare won't be easy. This past week it was announced that median new-home prices fell almost 10% over the past year, the worst decline since 1970 (that's right: the year Jimi Hendrix died). Nothing like the fear of overpaying to keep people on the fence.

You're already doing some things right. Naming your latest subdivision Les Banlieues gives it a nice Gallic flavor, never mind that the poor banlieues surrounding Paris are being torched as we speak by angry youths. Also, I see from materials you enclosed in your tear-stained letter that you're also building condos in Miami. That's a good bet. At this rate, you ought to be able to unload them in, oh, 25 years.

But there's more you can do to get out of your predicament. These days all the big builders are throwing in freebies—granite countertops, plasma TVs, swimming pools. You've got to go your rivals one better.

Offer to come to the house at 6 a.m. with a pooper scooper and walk the dogs. Promise to help the kids with algebra. Say you'll get on your knees and polish Dad's shoes every day before he walks out the door. Swallow your pride.

If that doesn't work, I have one word for you: China. The Chinese are going crazy for luxury housing subdivisions such as Chateau Regalia in Beijing. Here's what you should do: Dismantle your houses (the way they're being made these days, that should take about 15 minutes), pack them into containers, and ship them to Shanghai on a cargo ship that's going back empty. Finally—a U.S. export the Chinese really want!

I hope my advice has been useful, Cracking. Write back and let me know how it's going. Meanwhile, Happy Halloween!

1 Comments:

  • Check out the comment page!

    Alan
    Oct 31, 2006 6:30 PM GMT

    Dear Lonely, I, too, have been visited by three spirits this Halloween eve. The first spirit was a jolly fellow who showed me the ectasy bubbles past -- in Aeron chairs, we flew up to the dizzying heights of the once soaring NASDAQ, and marveled at the opulent valuations of CSCO, NSCP, and pets.com. Driving a HELO-purchased Lexus, the second spirit showed me the deflation of the bubble present. We visited barren, uninhabited developments outside the Beltway. Beneath his robes, this spirit holds all the keys to the bubble bench lockboxes around my city. The third spirit is a ghastly figure with two pathetic waifs clinging to his legs: their names are Flip and ARM. He showed me shadows of bubbles yet to come, and the many lives darkened by these shadows. Please help me lonely! I want to reform and wish that I never blew these bubbles at all! What can I do to change so that these bubble spirits will never haunt my chamber again?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:52 PM  

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